While doing my usual morning research, I came upon an article. The article led me to TrystLink, where I read it and was confused on the context of...
While doing my usual morning research, I came upon an article. The article led me to TrystLink, where I read it and was confused on the context of it all. The article was called “What Not to Ask Your Provider and What You Should Ask Instead.” It focused on questions that clients supposedly ask on a frequent basis, as well as what providers are thinking when those questions are asked. A lot of the thought process of the provider being asked these questions stems from their personal business being brought up, something that is none of our business to begin with. Speaking from a client’s perspective, a thought came to me: what client in their right mind is asking these questions? So I delved into that this morning.
Em Rose is the SWer who wrote this article. With what I’m assuming is provider experience, she would know exactly the kind of questions clients ask. In her article, Em focused on six frequently asked questions clients ask providers.
How much money do you make?
How many clients do you see?
What’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened to you?
What’s your day job?
How does your partner feel about this?
If I pay you more, would you perform this act you’ve already explained you don’t do?
As I said before, the way Em breaks each question down, it all comes to one universal understanding: it’s none of your fucking business. Two of the questions I can see some of us asking out of curiosity of the hobby and them giving us a small look into what to expect. The others just seem as if we’re being intrusive. To ask a provider how much money they make, or what their day job is, are questions that really have no meaning being asked, especially if you’re meeting them for the first time. Again, I don’t think most of us are asking these questions, as there are a million different things going on in the world that you can talk about, though I can see some of us being too friendly too quickly with these particular questions.
The only two questions I’m iffy about are,
What’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened to you?
If I pay you more, would you perform this act you’ve already explained you don’t do?
These two questions raise my eyebrow a bit. I’ve actually asked the first question multiple times in Q&As. I asked this question out of pure curiosity, with hopes of getting to know the provider. In Em’s article, she expresses that this question could be a way for the provider to relive trauma. In the article, Em writes, “Asking this is like asking, ‘you must meet a lot of really scary men, huh?’ which is downright threatening and alarming to be asked.” I myself believe this could be a reach, as this question Em wrote isn’t going through my mind whatsoever when I ask the previous question. It almost feels like a leap from asking one question to hearing another, but I have no idea what that provider is going through. So it’s possible, I guess.
Then there’s the second question. This, to me, is a question I think we ask more than any of the others. I know for a fact that many of us have asked in the moment if this or that was okay, often getting a yes if the price was right. I myself just do the research so I don’t have to ask those questions in the moment. It really comes down to the vibe both the client and provider are in. If you know for sure the provider won’t do what you’re looking for and still ask with hopes of getting a yes, at that point I would agree with Em: boundaries are being crossed.
Most of us aren’t sitting there trying to pry into a provider’s personal life or push buttons just to see what happens. Curiosity exists in every interaction, especially in a hobby built around intimacy, but there’s a clear line between genuine conversation and entitlement. Em’s article does a decent job reminding people where that line is, even if some of her interpretations feel a bit stretched from our point of view.
Em Rose is the SWer who wrote this article. With what I’m assuming is provider experience, she would know exactly the kind of questions clients ask. In her article, Em focused on six frequently asked questions clients ask providers.
How much money do you make?
How many clients do you see?
What’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened to you?
What’s your day job?
How does your partner feel about this?
If I pay you more, would you perform this act you’ve already explained you don’t do?
As I said before, the way Em breaks each question down, it all comes to one universal understanding: it’s none of your fucking business. Two of the questions I can see some of us asking out of curiosity of the hobby and them giving us a small look into what to expect. The others just seem as if we’re being intrusive. To ask a provider how much money they make, or what their day job is, are questions that really have no meaning being asked, especially if you’re meeting them for the first time. Again, I don’t think most of us are asking these questions, as there are a million different things going on in the world that you can talk about, though I can see some of us being too friendly too quickly with these particular questions.
The only two questions I’m iffy about are,
What’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened to you?
If I pay you more, would you perform this act you’ve already explained you don’t do?
These two questions raise my eyebrow a bit. I’ve actually asked the first question multiple times in Q&As. I asked this question out of pure curiosity, with hopes of getting to know the provider. In Em’s article, she expresses that this question could be a way for the provider to relive trauma. In the article, Em writes, “Asking this is like asking, ‘you must meet a lot of really scary men, huh?’ which is downright threatening and alarming to be asked.” I myself believe this could be a reach, as this question Em wrote isn’t going through my mind whatsoever when I ask the previous question. It almost feels like a leap from asking one question to hearing another, but I have no idea what that provider is going through. So it’s possible, I guess.
Then there’s the second question. This, to me, is a question I think we ask more than any of the others. I know for a fact that many of us have asked in the moment if this or that was okay, often getting a yes if the price was right. I myself just do the research so I don’t have to ask those questions in the moment. It really comes down to the vibe both the client and provider are in. If you know for sure the provider won’t do what you’re looking for and still ask with hopes of getting a yes, at that point I would agree with Em: boundaries are being crossed.
Most of us aren’t sitting there trying to pry into a provider’s personal life or push buttons just to see what happens. Curiosity exists in every interaction, especially in a hobby built around intimacy, but there’s a clear line between genuine conversation and entitlement. Em’s article does a decent job reminding people where that line is, even if some of her interpretations feel a bit stretched from our point of view.
