I’ve talked a few times about my past as an SD, and I’ll link some of those posts again here. I’ve never regretted it. Yes, the money spent was one thing - but what I gained in return was an
enormous amount of real-world experience: what to do, what
not to do, and - most importantly, how to carry myself properly in this hobby.
Honestly, I’d be lost today if no one had shared these lessons with me.
To make a long story short, I had a SB from Paraguay from 2019 to 2022 (technically longer, but it went sour in early 2023, and not in a pretty way, on her part.
These are the
two most important things I learned from that experience.
Both of them, unfortunately, the hard way.
1) Take charge
I learned this one
far too late.
And yes - it really
is about taking charge.
The moment that still sticks with me is the first time we met in Madrid. Every time we took the elevator down from the apartment, she would hug me tightly and hold on. I was too self-absorbed back then. I hugged her back a few times, but I never escalated it. Never took it further.
I regret that to this day.
I was, in many ways, “the prize” for her,. the safe man, the provider, the guy showing up properly. And I did nothing with that position.
So here’s the point, as clearly as I can put it:
Take charge of the session you’re in.
It’s two adults. a man and a woman - who should both have a great time.
Take control in a calm, confident way. Handle the practicalities first, then set the tone immediately. A confident, passionate start changes
everything.
Don’t take your foot off the gas. Stay present. Stay engaged. Let things flow naturally and with intent.
And when something is done well - say it.
Never hesitate to let a provider know when she’s done a really good job. That reassurance, that recognition, goes much further than most men realize.
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2) Be emotionally present — not transactional
This one took me even longer to understand.
Being generous, paying well, or “doing everything right on paper” doesn’t mean much if you’re emotionally checked out. For a long time, I confused
providing with
connecting. I thought showing up, paying, and being polite was enough.
It isn’t.
What I learned, especially from my SB years is that women feel
everything. Your attention. Your energy. Whether you’re present or just waiting for the clock to run out. You don’t need to overdo it, overshare, or play boyfriend but you
do need to be mentally there.
That means:
- Looking at her when she talks
- Reacting, smiling, engaging
- Letting moments breathe instead of rushing to the next “item”
Some of the best moments I ever had didn’t come from escalation, they came from
slowing down. A pause. Eye contact. A quiet moment that wasn’t forced.
Ironically, once I stopped treating sessions like a checklist, everything improved. The mood. The chemistry. The effort on her side. Women give more when they feel
seen, not bought.
Take Charge!
But
be present while you do it.
